i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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