Got a toothbrush?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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