its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
