When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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