Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
