If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
