Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize