i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
