ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
