I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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