Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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