oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
