remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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