R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
