do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
