I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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