Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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