watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we made out on top of his cat.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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