It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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