Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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