So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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