So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
