totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
