I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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