maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
