if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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