dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
