Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
