i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
