I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
