who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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