Swine flu. Run for my life!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
