Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
