Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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