Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize