some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
