Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
