wakey wakey hands off snakey
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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