When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
