I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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