Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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