I'm so fucking centered right now
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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