Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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