(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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