somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
