I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
