I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
