ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
