just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
