Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
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