You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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