I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
