How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
