I want to make a zoo with you.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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