If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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