Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
