just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Less talking, more tequila
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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