Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
