I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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